I say home because that is where I feel her to be. With little wings or a beautiful white silky nightgown where she walks or flies and sings and laughs with all of her family before her. But mostly because I think of her as this ethreal creature who came out of me made by 2 people who loved each other so much. And with their love they were able to speak for her when she couldn't. Stand up and enough is enough. Love her when all she could give back with this invisible energy of love, something so deep and unexplainable that to this day, I cannot weep with intense sorrow upon speaking of it. I just can't.
I try to be strong, knowing I will see my princess again. But, I sometimes don't want to believe it happened to us. That she should be only 2 weeks old as her due date was May 22, 2013, not Feb 17, 2013 when she came. I think about how I almost died trying to keep her in, knowing I could loose her as soon as I saw her. But we didn't we had the most fabulous and stressful 6 weeks of our lives.
So I am not in this stage of intense disbelief, like i can't stop crying when I think about it, more so than when it happened or even when I carried her around the funeral home for a week, telling her that her body was meant to be held by me, it was meant to be loved and rubbed by her mama. Even as I would rub lotion on her body to prepare her for her day of rest, to show everyone her beauty, her love. When everyone said no do not leave that casket open, it is too much for people. I thought, too much for who, you, what could it possible be too hard for you or anyone. I gave birth to her, i saw her halfway out of my body, i heard her cry one, held her twice while she was alive and I watched as she took her last 2 breathes upon her daddy's chest. So no it is not too much, because this little being, my angle is beautiful and if it is too much for them, then literally too bad. I stood up and said yes it will be open, they need to see her full, without contraptions, without her life support. And yes some people couldn't look, i have been there, but it wasn't about them it was about honoring my baby, my love. Not them. No one had to come, not even 1 person. It could have just been tony and i reading her The veleveteen rabbit like we did that day in her daddy's arms. As the rain poured and wind howled and I thought wow, she was something. Something powerful and amazing and perfect, sinless, and she wasn't just mine, but she belonged to everyone. And yet no one, that is how powerful her energy was. Just to go back and feel her, brings tears to my eyes and almost to my knees. Hoping and praying she isn't the only one I can bring into this life. i want her to watch her little brother or sister play with her dogs, and watch over them and celebrate her life and talk about her to someone else who is connected to her.
I guess that is my fear which i must let go of, the fear of not having any more babies, not giving tony another baby, and if so loosing another , unbearable for me. But I said that the day 2 days before I had her, if i loose her i will die. Tony says, I know. But, I didn't I am still here. Which is sometimes a questions from deep inside I ask god. Why not me, give her back. Let tony have this princess. Then when tony hears that he says, Erin it just wasn't your time, you have more to give.
I want to say horse shit. I want to give up sometimes. I don't though.
I will have more babies, i will give love and light to tony and his family and mine, i will have that. That's what i live for, the day Tony and i really get married. The days... The moments i still will have. That is what makes me get up, The fact that I will be healthy. I will do this for me and for tony and for our future. Just like after 9 years I do not give up on anything we had even though it has been rough. Shit my whole life has been crazy and just full of so much grief and sorrow and pain. Then i wonder, and ask reallly... reallly. why
Guess what, it doesn't get answered. I have to be ok with that. I have to take it with me. Just like my sister said, Erin, you have been through so much. Your whole life has been full of pain and suffering. It is like your whole life was for that one day, the day, you were selfless and let your first born baby on life support so she would not suffer and knowing you would suffer all your days for her. she then says that Erin is what a mom does, you are the best mom ever. And you will continue to be.
My sister the one is hates everything, the one is willing to be a surrogate, the one is willing to give me her kidney if needed. The one and only who has stood by me thorugh all my pain and suffering who has watched it. The one whom my baby loved her aunt Kelly.
